Can I Be Helped?

Some things I don’t like to talk about and my addiction to soda pop mainly Pepsi is one of them. I have been drinking Pepsi ever since I was eleven. My Mom got me hooked on it. Bad bad Mamma. And I really liked the drink back then but I didn’t drink it as much as I do now.

And now I have this problem and I know that Pepsi is causing it. I got my blood work done twice in the last year. And I haven’t heard anything back since. Which in most cases means there’s nothing wrong with me. But in fact, I know that there is something wrong.

I can’t sleep at night. I am awake most of the night and I sleep a lot during the day. It would be like 4 or 5 sometimes 6 in the afternoon and I am either still sleeping or just getting up. And I am always tired even when I have slept. And this is a big problem for me as I have depression and it is on and off. I can’t stay focused or pay attention long enough without getting impatient. I guess it depends on what it is I am trying to do or pay attention too.

And sleeping all day is causing me to ask questions like why am I still alive? Why do I even bother getting up at all? Why am I the way I am? Am I good enough? Am I beautiful? Why can’t I be happy for once? Why am I always so angry all the time? Why does it feel like I am the only one who got stuck taking care of other people’s responsibilities? Is this my journey in life to be unhappy? To never have something to call my own that isn’t taken from me? Will I ever be somebody? Will I ever be noticed for my talents and not how I look from people's views?

Will I ever feel appreciated more than I should? I know for a fact that some folks appreciate me. But not everyone who I have helped, taken care of or done nice things for. Will, I ever have that one friend who would ask are you okay? Do you need help? Is there something I can do to see you happy? To see you smile a real smile and not a fake one? Can anyone even tell the difference between a fake smile and a real one?

People ask me for help, money, to volunteer and help them out most of the time. And when I do help them they disappear for a while and I don’t hear from them and then when they need more of something they come back out of hiding. I feel like people are using me, taking advantage of me because of my upbringing. I may be kind and would do anything to help other people but it feels like I don’t matter. That what they want matters more to them than I ever will.

I have always had this fear of being forgotten but clearly that isn’t the case. But I don’t recall anyone ever asking me. Do you need help? Are you happy? What do you want? I am not trying to be ungrateful for what I have because I love what I have and I love my family, the friends who stayed by my side even when I was mean or unhappy.

I have problems, issues like everyone else does. But my problems, issues need to be worked on. And I don’t think that I can do this on my own. But who do I ask? I don’t want to be judged because of my anger problems, my low self-esteem, my sugar addiction. Running from things I know I could have succeeded in and being dumped by my friends because they say I don’t care. But in reality, I really do care it’s just hard to keep friends because when you think you have found a good friend that friend turns out to be too good to be true, stealing from you. Lying to you. Telling you you’re not a good friend because of a lack of communication skills, not giving enough care to the friendship. I’m even at the point of pushing those who care about me away. And even boyfriend/girlfriend relationships too that I throw out the door. But not meaning too. I just don’t want to cause any hurt or unwanted emotions.

My friends either end up not being my friends anymore because they are too good to be true, disrespectful towards me and my family, mean and judgmental to people they don’t even know. Leave me because of unknown reasons, reasons they can’t explain, jealousy, or basically saying I am not a good friend, they use me and when they can’t get what they want they say to heck with you, I’m no longer your friend.

I have been angry for so long for many different reasons but some of them are quite dumb. I get frustrated when people don’t listen, when they lie, cheat and steal. Especially when they do it to me when I am honest with them. You would never catch me stealing, white lies are okay. But lying straight out about something is so stupid. You could ask me if I have ever stolen something or done something bad in my life and I would answer, “yes I have.” But would I ever do it again? The answer is, “no I wouldn’t.” Everyone makes mistakes but if you are constantly making the same mistake over and over again it isn’t a mistake.

A lot of people don’t remain, my friend, because I am too honest and I am an indoor person. I am a full-time Aunt too. I love my niece and my family.

To be quite honest with you I need a break. I need help. But there isn’t sugar addictions help, counselling for me. Does it even exist? I even need anger management. Basically self-help is what I really need. There are counselling and help for alcohol and drugs but not for sugar, aspartame. It is just as bad for us as the alcohol and the drugs are.

I get angry, frustrated and irritated very easily. Even over the smallest things. And even when people are being dumb. Yes, I said it. And being disrespectful towards my family, my niece and my parents. And I am always sad. It’s even worse than it seems because I am an empath. Which makes it a lot harder to deal with the many emotions I have and hold inside. Because a lot of people do not see these emotions first hand. They just simply think, “oh she is fine. She is smiling.” But that doesn’t mean that I am okay. I feel like I am stuck in a time loop that is continuous and repeating itself and I can’t get out of it. Sometimes I feel alone even when there are other people around. It is hard to talk to my Mom because I don’t want her to cry too. I don’t want her to have to hold the same burdens and regrets that I have.

I am going on twenty-five years old this month and I am still living at home with Mom, Dad and my niece Faith. And I am thankful for my parents and my niece that I have somewhere to call home. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to leave home. Would it be wrong if I said my niece, Mom, Dad and I are inseparable? We all want the same things. Love, attention, lots of pets, a home of our very own. Horses, to live in the country, to be free of all negative emotions and to be ourselves without being judged.

I have been called brave but I am not brave. I have been called a hero and inspirational but how am I supposed to be any of those things if I can’t even face one lousy problem that is causing me to be angry? And will eventually if it hasn’t already make me unhealthy? To also take over my life completely and eventually even kill me?

People think I am happy but in reality, I am not. They see what I don’t see.

I see what they don’t see. I see an unhappy, immature, angry, mixed emotions little girl who never got the chance to be a teenager. This isn’t my parent's fault that’s for sure. I see a girl with many emotional problems. I see a girl who will never fall in love, get married or have kids. Maybe not even live her dreams and have a future.

I see an Aunt, a caregiver, a volunteer and that’s who I am. I may not be my niece's Mother but I am sure as heck close enough to be her Guardian. I stayed when everyone else left/moved on with their lives. How am I supposed to move on without Faith or my parents? I am afraid to lose them. To move away and not see them again. To feel guilty about wanting more in life to go on adventures. Living dreams that I should be living right now.

I want to do more, be someone and provide for my Mom, Dad and niece. Is that so wrong to want to do more in life than just staying at home when there is more to life than just sleeping all day? Would it be wrong to say I want to be happy, save money and buy what I have always wanted to have? To be proud of? To call my very own?

I also feel like I am a bank. My friends, family (not all of them) sometimes ask me for money and a few of them never pay it back. And one of them says to my sister, “I have already paid her back.” But he never paid it back in full. You say you’re my friend but you always bug me for stuff and when I say no you still continue to bug and bug until I give in. And this also makes me angry to the point where I’m like what the heck, are friends supposed to hound and hound for things? I thought friends were supposed to support you, help you, be your friend, and not use you for what you have?

Another issue I have is when kids think money grows on trees. And when you don’t have the money to buy them what they want they cause tantrums/fight and cry until you give in and give them what they want. And then guess who is in debt? And when you do give them what they want they fight with you. And you can’t get any of that money back. The worse thing is when it’s not the parents who are buying these things for their kids. It is the aunts, uncles, grandparents doing it. I know parents buy a lot for their kids too but not all parents spend that kind of money on any child. Some of these kids are so ungrateful. But I know not all children are like that. Thank God. But there is always that one kid who has to make all the other kids look bad. I don’t remember ever being this bad as a kid.

Another thing that makes me really angry is when people that can have children have babies and dump them on their parents. And when people who want to have babies can’t have them. Every person deserves to have a chance of being a parent. Even if it is impossible to have children. But the one thing that irritates me to no end is when people that are supposed to be parents let their parents take care of their children and still call themselves parents and don’t help take care of them and help buy the things they may need. They leave it all up to the grandparents that are raising these kids to do everything. And this might get backlash but there is something seriously wrong with people. If you don’t want to commit and take care of the children you give birth too and if you don’t want to be a parent or have plans on taking care of these children don’t have babies, don’t have unprotected sex either.

Also, I have unfriended at least three people within the last two years because of issues like, I don’t listen which in this case neither do they. For instance the times I said I didn’t have what they needed or wanted and continued to bug me and eventually got what they wanted even after I have repeatedly said no I don’t have it. But they continued to bother me anyway because they knew I had some or a little bit of what they wanted.

But not once did that person ever ask me if I needed anything. And when the time came that I wanted to help another friend that blew up in my face. I remember that day really well and it was on November 12, 2019, the day after Remembrance Day I went to a Tim Hortons in Hamilton to meet with a friend of mine who happens to be the city’s famous dancer and I asked him if my other friend could get an interview with his famous cousin and that blew up in my face. He said things like, “oh, you have to give me more info. He’s not going to do just any interview with just anyone.” Okay great, I understand completely. One moment during the conversation he said, “you don’t fucking listen.” This was his words, not mine. I flat out told him I was wasting my time. I got up and walked out without giving him a hug or anything. I left crying.

You don’t do that to your friends and expect them to continue to be your friend. I cut ties with that friend as well that same day. All he could have said was, “I will have a talk with my cousin and let you know.” Or he could have said, “no there is nothing that I can do for your friend.” But no it had to end like that really bad. And I even bought him a treat from Timmies too. And that is how he thanks me. And he got mad when I walked away. Well, that’s what you get for yelling at me in a public place, not to mention you had everyone staring.

Friendly advice, never yell at me anywhere even in a public place because chances are you’ll end up like this friend with a conversation that wasn’t finished, was wasted and you’ll see me walking out that door or wherever we are. And I will never depending who you are speak to you again and chances are I will ignore you if I can avoid you. And if you come up to me in person I will speak to you but don’t expect me to be your friend or give you anything any more because that boat has sailed away.

And another friendship I ended was because of the guy friend of the lady I was friends with because I was friends with both of them he had some nasty things to say. This was back in August 2019 when things took a turn for a friendship that I knew was too good to be true that also blew up in my face. I should have known that would backfire. I saw it the moment he was judging one of our Sitelines Teachers but I failed to not see how I would eventually get hurt by his judgements too. They were too nice to me taking me out to places, going to McDonald's, parks, concerts, events, photography meetups, etc. The guy friend was the problem, not the lady. I absolutely loved her as a friend.

The guy friend had called me out by texting me things like, I was being flakey towards him because of my lack of communication skills. He basically said, “99% of the stuff you have done with us is because of my effort, my idea etc. you seriously give zero fucks. Broken record with forgot to respond. And things like not trying.. not responding.. not contributing.. these are signs a person does not give an f. Life is hard and stressful for you? Your biggest worry is whether V sees you or not.” (The letter V is shortened to the initials of someone’s first name for privacy reasons).

But he also failed to say that I did contribute to that friendship. Like the times I bought McDonald's for them. I invited them and took them to see a dancer’s movie at the same building I volunteer at. I also took them to see concerts at the same place. Even paid for their tickets. I invited them to Dusk Dances but don’t recall if they ever showed up. He had also said, “I’ve tried a passive route to motivate you in the right direction… if you constantly keep everything on the back burner. Friends.. livelihood.. relationships.. happiness.. You are never going to leave the apartment. And you are constantly going to be taken advantage of. I care about you more than you will ever know.. just wish you did too.”

So what I am saying is I was constantly being mauled to hang out even when I didn’t want to go out and was tired. Even going out late and coming back home after midnight a few times. That’s what ticked me off being mauled constantly that went unnoticed by them especially him. And him having the nerve to call me out by texting. Calling me a lot. It’s a shame I have responsibilities I didn’t throw away to have a life I want. But I am okay where I am. Even though I know I could be doing more. And wasting my talents. You know nothing about wasting talents when you don’t even know what talents I could have.

If you were constantly being mauled by your friends wouldn’t you want to be left alone for a while? I guess some people don’t seem to think of that as mauling. But being called almost every day when we were friends asking to hang out and go to places I don’t even care to go too. I admit I wasn’t a perfect friend but geez.

The Pepsi addiction is so bad that I crave for it and sometimes even fight with whoever takes the coldest one. Or the one I put in the freezer and I come back out for it an hour later and someone takes it and doesn’t ask or even replace it.

It’s even worse when my niece constantly bugs Mom and me for our phones, the computer, laptop, the TV. I get mad because I didn’t have a laptop, phone growing up. I was lucky enough to have an hour on the computer a day if I was allowed to go on it. And she is on the electronics all day every day. And when I say she can’t have either of them she pulls a fit. She is ten now but that is no excuse to treat us like poop all the time. She gets what she wants and treats us badly. And when we fight back or get mad we are the bad ones.

“Oh she’s just a child,” I have been told by people. Yeah, one who is disrespectful. She is a good kid when she wants to be but she can be rude and I hate it.

I can’t keep friends because I constantly push them away and feel like if I do form a bond with these folks and become their friends I would get hurt again. I guess I haven’t moved past my best friend from high school who stopped being my friend because of my ex ex-boyfriend. Guess that’s what happens when your friends don’t like your choice of boyfriends.

What I am trying to say is I am sorry for causing so much grieve. I am sorry for being the way I am. And for not being a very good friend to those who think or said I wasn’t good enough. but I’m not sorry for standing up for myself and standing my ground if you don’t like me or want to be my friend don’t pretend at all. Just leave me be.

The question is does anyone really care? Is anyone listening? Can I be helped? Is it too late for recovery?

To Be Continued............